This is part 2 in our series on funerals. Read part 1 here. 

When Amy Martin’s mother-in-law died last year at the age of 96, the funeral arrangements were easy. Her mother-in-law had discussed her wishes with her two adult children. Everything was specified in writing: the burial plot, the chapel for the funeral service, the hymns to be sung, the scripture to be read, even the brightly colored pantsuit and shoes she wanted to be buried in. 

“She really gave it some care and some thought,” said Martin. “It was done out of love. She didn’t want any of her kids to have anything to worry about.” 

Having seen how smoothly things unfolded, Martin, 66, is glad that she and her husband also have plans in place for their own funerals—with people designated to handle them—especially, given that they don’t have children.  

But the Martins are in the minority. While most people agree that preplanning a funeral is a good idea, only about 15 percent of those over age 40 have prepared plans, according to a 2015 Harris Poll survey for the Funeral and Memorial Information Council.

Why do so few of us make funeral plans? 

“We live in a death-denying culture,” said Joe Reardon, vice president of marketing at Keohane Funeral Home in the Boston area. “We don’t talk about death. We can kill dozens of people in seconds on a video game, but otherwise, death is removed from our presence and our conversation. People die in hospitals, not homes. They’re cremated in a crematorium, with no family members present. It’s as if, ‘If you don’t talk about it, it’s not real.’”

Also, death has no place in a youth-oriented culture that’s averse to emotions like grief, sadness and loss, according to Alan Wolfelt of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Some families now opt for direct burial or direct cremation, with no viewing, no service and no memorial gathering. Others bypass traditional funerals for festive “celebrations of life.” Wolfelt has even heard some dismiss somber memorial services as “barbaric.” 

“We lack an understanding that there are times in life when it’s appropriate to be sad,” he said. “We want to go around our grief instead of through it. Funerals are critical rites of passage. Rituals help us when words are inadequate. That’s why we’ve had these ceremonies since the time of the Neanderthals.” 

Studies show that a family moves faster through the grief process when a funeral is held.

—Randy Anderson

Procrastination is another factor. If you’re healthy and busy, planning your funeral never rises to the top of your to-do  list. Others avoid planning because, subconsciously, they fear it’ll hasten death. Gail Rubin, blogger and author of A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die (2010), addresses that fear with a joke: “Talking about sex won’t make you pregnant; talking about funerals won’t make you dead.”  

Reardon says many people neglect planning because they “don’t want to make a fuss,” spurred by a sense of self-deprecation that’s well-intentioned.  

“George Washington wanted a simple burial, with no fanfare, no oration, no state funeral,” he said. “He ended up having over 300 funerals. That’s not what he wanted, but that’s what people needed. America was a fledgling nation. He was a war hero.” 

Funerals are for the living, adds Randy Anderson, a funeral director who teaches funeral psychology at Jefferson State Community College in Birmingham, AL. 

“Psychologically, a funeral gives family and friends a chance to talk about the person,” he said. “Studies show that a family moves faster through the grief process when a funeral is held. We’re not made to grieve alone.” 

Anderson cherishes stories he heard at his own father’s funeral. 

“My father had always kept a $100 bill in his pocket,” he said. “It was his way of being prepared to help people in trouble. At his funeral, I heard so many stories I’d never heard before from people who said my dad had given them $100 after a house burned down or after a death in the family.” 

While many efforts have emerged in recent decades—such as The Conversation Project and Death Over Dinner—to reduce that fear and stigma, and to encourage people to talk openly about death and end-of-life wishes, it seems we have a ways to go before the process is an easier one.

A Big Buy

For many of us, a funeral will be the third-largest purchase we’ll ever make, exceeded only by buying a home or car. In 2021, the national median cost of a funeral with a viewing and burial was approximately $7,848 (or $6,971 for a funeral with cremation), according to a study by the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA.) 

While homes and cars are typically purchased after comparison shopping and much planning, most funerals are arranged within days after a death, while the planner is in the fog of grief. Within hours of a death, the family must choose a funeral home or otherwise specify a place to send the remains. 

Funerals pose a significant financial burden on many families. When arrangements are made “at need,” the burden is likely to be worse. Studies show that families who’ve discussed final arrangements prior to death incurred much lower costs than families that did not. Without time pressures, and without the presence of raw grief, consumers can ask for less expensive options, compare prices and clearly understand what is required versus what would be nice to have.

“When a person dies, there are about 125 decisions that have to be made almost immediately,” said Anderson, who is also a former president of the NFDA. “Will the deceased be buried or cremated? Where and when will the service take place? Who will speak? What music will be played?” 

Most people making funeral decisions have no experience and no clear grasp of what’s involved. 

All of this happens while the family is grieving and possibly grappling with trauma, family conflict or feelings of guilt, according to Rubin.

“People don’t shop around ahead of need,” she said. “So when somebody drops dead, it’s like, ‘Oh my God, I need a burial plot,’ and ‘Oh my God, I need a funeral.’ And that is not the time to be shopping around if you want to compare prices and to be an informed consumer.”

Most people make these decisions with no experience. Many don’t even have a clear grasp of the basic components involved in funeral arrangements. 

“We’ve had [older adult] clients who assumed they’d prepaid the bulk of the cost of a funeral, because they’d already purchased a cemetery plot,” said Carl Burlbaw, director of the Elder Financial Safety Center at the Senior Source, a nonprofit in Dallas. “They didn’t understand that there’s also the cost of a casket, a vault, opening and closing the grave, not to mention the cost of embalming and a funeral service.   

Preplanning also ensures your wishes are followed and your spiritual or religious beliefs are honored. That helps a family avoid conflicts, according to Richard Paskin, managing partner at Funeralwise.com, a funeral planning website. If a parent dies without having expressed their wishes, he said, “One adult child wants to bury the deceased, another wants to cremate. One wants a no-frills funeral, the other wants a fancy one. With preplanning, you’ve at least taken some of the pressure off the family.”

Preplanning can help family members avoid last-minute scrambling by assembling information, such as details for the obituary or the names of chosen pallbearers. Pre-need planning is also key for solo agers—elders without children or surviving family members, who may not have an obvious heir to step in to handle arrangements.  

Steps in Preplanning

Planning a funeral starts with two basic decisions: First, what do you want to do with your body? Today, families have a wide range of options: a traditional burial, cremation, green burial or burial at sea. 

Secondly, what do you want the funeral service to entail? People may work with a funeral home or turn to online resources, such as Funeralwise.com, to explore their options. The NFDA offers RememberingALife.com, with a list of questions to consider for the funeral service, such as: “What music would you like played? Are there any special readings of poetry, scripture, etc. that you would like to have included? How might the location be decorated to reflect your life? What is the one thing you would want attendees to walk away knowing about you and who you are? Are there any special objects or photos you would want on display?”

Those who are religiously unaffiliated need to think creatively when there’s no church or clergyperson to provide a template for the funeral service, Martin notes. She’s been called on to organize and officiate at funerals for many unaffiliated friends. 

“We gather at houses and bars, yoga studios and dance halls, and parks if the weather permits,” she said. “We bring food to share, cover memory tables with mementoes of our lost loved ones and spread out paper to write our grief. Folks share some songs, some poems, a prayer or two  and multitudes of stories about the deceased.” 

You can prepay a funeral home or buy funeral insurance.

The next step is to estimate the cost and plan how it will be paid. 

Some expenses, such as the cemetery space, may be purchased in advance. Some people choose to prepay for a funeral, which involves making all or most of the decisions about it in consultation with a funeral director, then setting up prepayment, typically in monthly installments made directly to the funeral home. Depending on the plan, prepayment can lock in the price of some of the services or purchases involved in the funeral. 

But buyers beware. Prepaid funeral plans aren’t well-regulated. While the Funeral Consumers Alliance advocates preplanning, it advises extreme caution in prepaying. If considering that option, ask what happens if the funeral home goes out of business, and whether the dollar value of the prepaid plan is transferable to another funeral home should you move before you die. Also, you’ll lose the price guarantee if your funeral ends up at another funeral home. Read the fine print.

Another option to prepare financially is funeral insurance—essentially, a life insurance policy that pays money upon your death to cover funeral, burial and other end-of-life expenses. 

Without prepayment or insurance, the cost of a funeral is typically paid out of the proceeds of the deceased’s estate. 

Informing Your Loved Ones

The final step of funeral preplanning: share your wishes, preferably in writing, with the family member or trusted friend who will be responsible for arrangements. Update them as needed. You can also file your wishes with the funeral home you’ve chosen. 

It is possible to name a specific person to handle your funeral arrangements in your will. However, keep in mind that funeral plans are often made before the will is located. It’s important to let the people in your life know who you chose. It’s also possible to legally designate a funeral agent, a person who will handle your funeral arrangements, according to your wishes. This requires written documentation; laws vary by state. Ask an attorney or a local funeral home director for specific guidance. 

Reardon cautions against expressing wishes “in a vacuum,” without realistic guidance on costs, logistics and applicable laws. He assisted the family of a Boston area man who served at a naval base near the Gulf of Mexico. The man wanted his ashes scattered on a beach there, thinking that would be an easy option for the family. 

“But how hard is it to fly everyone to Texas, get the permits to carry the remains and then scatter them on the beach?” Reardon said. “What if not everyone could afford it?”  The man’s simple wishes proved to be a headache. 

Finally, in addition to mapping out your own plans, it’s important to encourage family members to express their wishes. That’s not an easy discussion, but Remembering A Life offers a page on how to start the conversation. 

One Last Howl

Having seen how helpful planning is, Amy Martin has made detailed plans for her own funeral. But hers won’t look anything like her Methodist mother-in-law’s funeral. 

She and her husband made plans to be cremated, with some of their ashes to be scattered at their Unitarian church’s memorial garden. A prepaid, permanent brass plaque there will memorialize them. Because nature has always been central to her spirituality, Martin designed an outdoor ritual to distribute her remaining ashes, with instructions to ensure it’s done in an environmentally responsible way. She has chosen the music and readings. Also, she wants attendees to howl when they scatter her ashes —something she’s had mourners do at friends’ funerals where she’s served as the officiant. 

“Howling is a way to let out pent up emotional energy,” she said. 

Planning also assures Martin that her earth-based spirituality will be honored at her funeral.

“To me, it’s a matter of caring for the people who will be left behind,” she said. 

This is part 1 in a our series on funerals. Read part 2 here.

Near the end of her mother’s life, Barrie Page Hill began thinking about the funeral and the best way to honor her mother.  

“My mom was a wildlife artist and very into nature,” Hill said. “She was happiest when she was sitting by a babbling brook or looking out at a mountain.” 

From conversations, Hill knew her mother wanted a simple funeral but did not want to be cremated. When Hill learned about green burial—with a biodegradable shroud or casket, no embalming and no concrete vault—that seemed like a good fit. But when she tried to make plans, she said, “it was problematic.” 

No cemeteries in the Dallas area, where she lives, allowed green burial. The nearest green cemetery was in Houston. When she inquired at a funeral home, the director tried to “upsell” her toward a more elaborate casket and grave. Hill gave up on going green. 

Overwhelming Choices

Those contemplating funeral arrangements for themselves or a family member now have many choices. In addition to traditional burial or cremation, families may choose options like green burial, composting, burial at sea or donating the body to medical science. 

With more choices, families can plan funerals that better reflect a deceased person’s values or passions. However, more choices can also make the decision process more complicated, even overwhelming. And, as Hill discovered, those who want nontraditional options may face roadblocks. 

That’s because there’s a disconnect between what many consumers want and what the funeral industry offers, according to Darren Crouch, CEO of Passages International, which supplies sustainable items like willow caskets and biodegradable urns to funeral homes. 

“The funeral industry is a relatively traditional industry that has done things a certain way for generations,” he said. “When a death occurs, people are not in a good state. They’re not asking the right questions. Because funerals have time constraints, decisions get made quickly. Without advanced planning, the deceased person—who might have driven a hybrid vehicle, worn organic clothing and eaten organic produce all their life—could easily end up pumped with embalming fluids and buried in a metal casket in a concrete vault.” 

Eco-Friendlier Options 

When someone dies, surviving loved ones must make two basic decisions: what to do with the body (funeral directors call it the “disposition”) and the particulars of the viewing, funeral and/or memorial service. 

The death-care traditions of some religious groups are inherently eco-friendly. For example, for traditional Jewish and Islamic funerals, bodies aren’t embalmed; instead, they are placed in simple wood caskets and buried within one or two days.  

For many others, green burial is appealing because it offers a less expensive option with less impact on the environment, compared to traditional burial. Bodies are buried in biodegradable shrouds or in caskets made of willow, plain wood or cardboard. Green burial grounds generally do not accept embalmed bodies, although some make exceptions for newer, more eco-friendly embalming fluids. To preserve the natural landscape, most don’t allow headstones, but some do permit ground-level stone markers. 

Prices for green burials vary widely by region and the type of green burial site, according to the Funeral Consumers Alliance. A grave site and interment in a green burial ground typically ranges from $1,000 to $4,000. The biggest cost advantage of going green: instead of an expensive metal casket, embalming and a vault, the only cost is a biodegradable casket or shroud. Some burial grounds don’t even require any sort of container. 

A lot of families express interest in green burial, but few end up choosing that route, according to Joseph Reardon, vice president for community development and advance planning for Keohane Funeral Home in the Boston area. Keohane was the first funeral home in Massachusetts certified by the Green Burial Council but it faces a big obstacle: the nearest green burial ground is in Maine. The Green Burial Council estimates that there were 340 certified green burial cemeteries in the United States in 2021. 

Many traditional cemeteries are beginning to set aside space for those who want greener options. However, outdated local and state laws are hindering the growth of dedicated green burial grounds. No state laws explicitly prohibit green burial, but existing laws are tailored to the traditional burial model. For instance, some states require a large endowment fund to establish a new cemetery; that’s cost prohibitive and unnecessary for a cemetery that will be kept in its natural state and won’t need mowing or upkeep.  

Some people donate their body to a medical school because they’re disenchanted with the traditional death industry. 

Green burial isn’t the only eco-friendly option. Emerging alternatives include natural organic reduction, which composts a body into soil, and alkaline hydrolysis (also called aquamation or liquid cremation). In organic reduction, which costs about $5,000, the body is placed in a receptacle along with wood chips, straw or other organic material, and will turn into soil after about four weeks. (Farmers use a similar process to compost livestock.) Alkaline hydrolysis, which costs about $3,500, involves placing the body in a stainless-steel receptacle and adding a pressurized solution to rapidly decompose it into water. These options aren’t legal in all states. Both methods avoid the emissions and energy use associated with conventional cremation, which costs about $1,500. 

One low-cost and altruistic option is donation of the body to science. Cadavers are essential for teaching medical students or for testing new surgical techniques. Body donation usually does not involve any cost to the family. (If the body is donated to a specific medical school that’s not nearby, there may be a transportation cost.) 

A body may be donated directly to a teaching medical school or through a body donation operation such as ScienceCare. About 20,000 people (or their families) donate their bodies to scientific research and education each year, either “because they want to make their deaths meaningful, or because they’re disenchanted with the traditional death industry,” according to the MIT Technology Review. 

For people who felt a connection to the water in life, burials at sea can be very meaningful for their loved ones. 

Captain Brad White of New England Burials at Sea assists families who wish to scatter ashes or bury a loved one’s body at sea. Per EPA regulations, a body must be taken out to a depth of 600 feet—about 40 miles off the coast of Massachusetts. The body is wrapped in a biodegradable shroud and weighted with cannonballs. 

“Fewer families are seriously religious these days,” White said. “For some, the ocean is their church.” 

Burial at sea avoids the cost of cremation or embalming, as well as a casket, cemetery plot and vault. However, a burial from a boat large enough to accommodate many mourners can run thousands of dollars, largely due to the high cost of fuel. Full body burials at sea are not new, but they are relatively rare. In 2020, 2,544 Americans were buried at sea, according to data collected by the EPA.

Rise in Cremation

When Reardon started in the funeral business 35 years ago, virtually every local funeral followed the traditional Catholic pattern: the deceased was embalmed and placed in a metal casket for the viewing and funeral, usually presided over by a priest, then buried in a cemetery plot with a concrete vault. 

Today, about half of all funerals at Keohane involve cremation. Nationally, the average is about 57 percent. Many choose cremation because it is less expensive—but it’s not cheap. Funerals with cremation averaged $6,971 in 2021, while those with a viewing and burial cost around $7,848, according to the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA).  

About three-quarters of Keohane’s clientele still desire some sort of permanent marker to remember loved ones, according to Reardon. Many churches and cemeteries are adding columbaria—above-ground vaults for storing the cremains of the departed—as well as spaces for in-ground burial of cremated remains. 

Scattering cremains in a meaningful spot can be problematic. Some cemeteries offer designated scatter gardens, but in other areas a permit may be required. In bodies of water, the highly alkaline cremains can foster algae blooms. That’s why the EPA requires that cremated remains be scattered so far from land, and it forbids scattering at beaches or in wading pools by the sea. 

Some families find creative ways to handle ashes. Reardon knows a family that used a small amount of a loved one’s ashes to make ink for a memorial tattoo. Cremains can be turned into synthetic memorial diamonds. Parting Stone solidifies cremated remains into smooth stones, usually about 50 to 80 stones for an average-sized person. Families share the stones with loved ones or scatter them. 

“Families are spread out these days,” said Justin Crowe, CEO of Parting Stone. “Previously, you lived and died in the same community and were buried in the local cemetery. That physical location doesn’t carry the same importance anymore.” Crowe noted that he has visited his maternal grandfather’s grave in Ohio only once, but keeps his paternal grandfather’s remains with him at his home in Santa Fe. 

Funeral: the Final Goodbye

Once the burial or cremation is arranged, the next decision is the timing, venue and format of a funeral or memorial service. Once limited to places of worship, funeral homes or chapels, memorial gatherings are moving outdoors and to nonsacred places that were meaningful to the deceased.

With a bit of creativity, a funeral can be meaningful and reflect the person’s life without necessarily being costly. NFDA past president Randy Anderson recalled a funeral at his funeral home in Alexander City, AL. The woman loved to cook, so her signature recipe for teacakes was published in a pamphlet, and teacakes were offered after the service. 

Because more and more Americans identify as “nones”—having no religious affiliation—some funeral homes provide certified celebrants to assist families with no religious affiliation in crafting a meaningful ceremony. The NFDA also offers RememberingALife.com, an extensive website with ideas for funeral planning. 

Just as hospice has moved dying from the hospital to the home, a small but growing movement is encouraging families to move the funeral to the home. Family members or death-care guides (also called death doulas) wash the body, wrap it in a shroud and lay it out on a platform. The family sits vigil for a day or two before the body is cremated or buried.  

Funerals held at home must comply with laws that vary from state to state.

Proponents say that a home funeral provides a more intimate, comfortable setting for family and friends. Mourners may be surrounded with photos, clothing, possibly even the deceased’s favorite chair. There are no hours at home funerals; people can easily sit up all night with the deceased, with more time for reminiscing or meditating on the person’s life. Like green burials, home funerals require advance planning. Laws related to home funerals vary by state. New York state law, for example, requires a licensed funeral director to handle many aspects of final arrangements, including the final disposition of the body. That means the family must pay for a funeral director’s services even for a home funeral. In states without that requirement, families choosing at-home funerals must understand the paperwork requirements normally handled by a funeral director, such as how to file the Certificate of Death. 

Many families skipped or postponed funerals during the pandemic. Some now opt for direct cremation or burial, without holding a viewing or memorial service. However, psychologist Alan Wolfelt of the Center for Loss and Life Transition advises against skipping a memorial service entirely. Sitting with the dead body of a loved one helps survivors confront the reality of their loss. Mourning with friends and family helps gather support. When people fail to grieve properly, he adds, it’s easy to end up “living in the shadow of the ghosts of grief.” 

“There’s a reason why humans of every culture have had funeral rituals for thousands of years,” he said. “They are critical rites of passage.” 

As Green as Possible

By the time her mother died at age 83 in 2018, Barrie Page Hill had finally settled on a plan that felt right. She found a small cemetery in a rural area of Oklahoma, near where her mother grew up. The cemetery overlooks a peaceful valley; her plot is under a tree. Her mother’s parents and grandparents are buried there.

Because her mother’s body had to be transported across state lines from Texas to Oklahoma, by law the body had to be embalmed. A funeral home handled the embalming and transported the body to Oklahoma. Hill, her daughter and husband traveled to the cemetery for a private burial. The body was placed in a simple pine casket and buried in the ground, without a vault. 

Hill is at peace.

“It was as green as I could get it, under the circumstances,” Hill said. “And she’s buried in a very peaceful place. It’s lovely.” 

Years later, the story still haunts attorney Jennifer Cona. 

A man—in his 70s and in good health—retained her to draw up a will. He wanted to bequeath his sizable estate to his grandson and to a few charities. He did not want to leave anything to his two grown children, who lived out of state and never called or visited. 

“The grandson was very close and did everything for him,” said Cona, an elder attorney in Melville, NY. “While we were going back and forth over some of the details, [the client] died suddenly of a massive stroke.”

The will was not yet signed. The two grown children didn’t attend his funeral, but they inherited the entire estate. The grandson got nothing. 

As Cona’s story shows, without a valid will, a deceased person’s wishes mean nothing. The laws of the state where the person lived dictate who inherits—and often, not in ways that many assume. 

Lorie Burch, an attorney in Dallas, puts it this way for her clients, “If you don’t have a will, the state of Texas has one for you.” 

Why No Will? 

Most people know they need a will. Yet two out of three Americans don’t have one, according to the 2022 Wills and Estate Planning Study by Caring.com. 

Why not? Of those without a will, the study reported, one of three think they don’t have enough assets to leave behind. 

For many others, it is simply a matter of procrastination. Chris Krupa Downs, an attorney in Plano, TX, calls it the “Scarlett O’Hara philosophy.” 

“When it comes to making the decisions involved in creating a will, many people would prefer ‘to think about that tomorrow,’” she said. 

Some assume that, because family members get along, their heirs will do the right thing. Or they believe their family situation is uncomplicated and the assets will transfer easily.

Others don’t want to think about death. 

“There’s this weird human element that clouds people’s judgment,” said Cona. “It’s almost like they’re superstitious. They think that, as soon as they sign their will, they’ll go out and get hit by a bus.” 

Unpleasantly Surprised

Most people don’t appreciate how difficult the probate process can be for surviving family members when there’s no will in place—or the many unexpected ways things can go wrong. When a person dies without a will, everything that the deceased person owned falls into intestate succession: the state takes control of the estate and doles it out to the heir or heirs, according to the state’s laws of intestacy.

With blended families, succession becomes more complicated. And state law doesn’t take into account whether family members are estranged or whether an heir might have a drug addiction or a gambling problem.

“A lot of people are shocked to learn that without a will, all the decisions are made according to state law,” said Burch. 

Before the estate is distributed, there’s a probate process to identify the dead person’s heirs. Sometimes, secrets are exposed. Burch is following a case where a man, a member of the LGBTQ community, died without a will. Unbeknownst to his husband, the deceased man had fathered a child—now grown—in a one-time sexual encounter he’d had decades earlier. After his death, the daughter came forward and DNA testing proved paternity. With a will, the man likely would’ve left his entire estate to his husband. But without a will, by Texas law, biological children may have a claim on a parent’s estate. 

And now the whole story is a matter of public record.

“When there’s no will, family secrets come out, and the process is super invasive,” said Burch. 

When the deceased has adult children from a previous marriage or gave up a baby for adoption long ago, and there’s no will, things can get complicated. 

Blended families often create surprises, too, depending on the state’s laws. 

“If you have children from a different marriage, it complicates things,” said Catherine Forte, an attorney in Plano. “With blended families, the estate often doesn’t go where you think it’s going to go.” 

In Texas, for example, in situations where there is no will, it’s not uncommon for adult children from a previous marriage to take an interest in the home occupied by the surviving spouse. The widow or widower is legally entitled to stay in the home, but if the stepkids want to cash in, they may pressure that person to sell. 

Downs adds that when people die without a will, often their life history dies with them. 

“I’ve had cases where someone died, and there’s no one who knows what relationships they had in life,” she said. “There’s no one who knows the facts and the history of the person’s life.”

Duncan Webb, an attorney in Plano, shared the story of a middle-aged woman who died without a will. While she had many friends and professional associates, the woman never married and had no children. She had been tight-lipped about her family situation. When she died, her body lingered at the morgue for weeks because no family member claimed the body. Neighbors stepped forward to help; a court-appointed attorney ultimately located an uncle, who made the funeral arrangements. Her estate was divided between the uncle and a nephew she’d never met. 

Similarly, Burch knows of a woman who died without a will, and who had had a baby decades earlier and given the baby up for adoption. Her spouse was aware of the child’s existence but had no idea when or where the child was born or the child’s gender. The court insisted that the child be tracked down to give his or her consent before the assets could be distributed. 

“Now, how do you find that child?” Burch said. 

Where’s the Money?

When there’s no will, finding the deceased’s heirs is one issue. Finding the assets is another. That was the problem facing Kashif Ahmed when his father died in Pakistan in 2001. More than 20 years later, he’s still tying up loose ends of the estate. 

“As wise and as organized as he was, my father just never got around to creating a will or documenting his assets and where they were,” Ahmed said. “And to make matters worse, he had multiple assets in multiple countries and continents.” 

Ahmed knows how to handle money—he is a wealth manager in Bedford, MA, and a lecturer in estate planning at Suffolk University and Bentley University. But the process was still a nightmare. Some of his father’s assets were in nations where, even with a judge’s order, bureaucrats demanded bribes before they’d handle the paperwork to transfer the assets to Ahmed’s name. He spent countless hours combing through his father’s papers and trying to track down other assets. 

An ATM receipt, found in his father’s trouser pocket, led Ahmed to look for a bank account in Switzerland. After sending certified letters to virtually every bank in Switzerland, he eventually learned that his father had only withdrawn cash from an ATM machine while passing through the Zurich airport. There was no Swiss bank account. 

Your Brain, on Grief 

Even with a valid will in place, grieving family members often find the probate process frustrating and emotionally exhausting. Without a will, it can be overwhelming. 

Sophia Dembling struggled with this after her husband, Tom Battles, died suddenly at age 59 in 2020 without a will. The situation seemed straightforward—the couple had been married for almost 30 years and had no children.

But her effort to access a few thousand dollars in a bank account, along with some uncashed checks, both in his name, has been a nightmare. Dallas County, TX, where she lives, required her to complete a small estate affidavit to prove she’s the rightful heir. That meant compiling a list of all his possessions and obtaining notarized documents from her elderly in-laws, who lived in Chicago and didn’t want to venture out during the pandemic.

The instructions on the county’s website were confusing. She made mistakes; each time she refiled the affidavit, she got something else wrong. Dembling could use the money but still can’t get access. Hiring an attorney would likely cost more than the total amount. 

“It was so overwhelming and heart-wrenching,” she said. “Just listing his possessions— the process was loaded with sentiment and sadness and love and regret.”

Normally, she thinks the process might be manageable, but having to tackle it while grieving was too much. 

One minor error can invalidate an online will or one that’s handwritten.

“There is something called ‘grief brain,’” said Dembling, who blogs about coping as a widow at Psychology Today.  “In early grief, your thinking is really fuzzy. There’s a lot of neurological energy going into just dealing with the loss.” 

Another area where a will is essential: providing for minor children. Without a will, the state will decide who cares for the children. It’s possible for children to end up in foster care. Estate planning—usually a will as well as a trust—is also critical for parents of adult children with special needs.  

“If you don’t do your planning, the child can lose government benefits, like Medicaid or disability payments,” Downs said. “In some cases, the wait lists to get the benefits are years long.”

Attorneys warn that there are also situations where a will may exist, but it’s not valid, or it doesn’t apply. Wills must be updated whenever a family situation changes due to birth, death, divorce or marriage, or when moving to another state. And some designations can override a will. For example, the beneficiary named in a life insurance policy will get the money regardless of what the will says. Ditto for bank or stock accounts where the owner has named a payable-upon-death (POD) beneficiary, which overrides what’s in the will.

Webb and Burch also advise caution with do-it-yourself options, like online wills or holographic wills. (Holographic wills are handwritten wills created by the testator and are legal in about two dozen states, with varying requirements.) Webb has handled cases where one seemingly minor error or omission—an insufficient number of witnesses to the will, for example—rendered a holographic will invalid. 

Family Fighting

Webb often hears from clients who assume they don’t need a will because their families get along. They trust their spouse or children to divide the estate fairly and peacefully. He’s witnessed plenty of horror stories that contradict that. He cited a case of a man who died with a large estate. He had two daughters and no will. 

“The daughters seemed to get along OK when he was alive, but after he died, they fought like cats and dogs and ended up spending $150,000 in legal fees,” he said. “When you and your spouse are still alive, the relationship between children is often muted. The jealousies and envy stay below the surface. Once the parents are gone, all these things come to the forefront.”

Even when succession laws clearly state who gets what, Webb added, fights can arise. For example, if there’s no will, all the heirs must agree on who will serve as executor, and that alone can start a war. 

Cona adds that a will not only helps ward off conflicts, it can also help keep families together after a death. 

“The best thing you can do for the next generation is to take care of estate planning,” she said. “It’s the best gift you can give your loved ones.”

When Susan deLarios’s mother passed away, she had to scramble to finish the obituary before the funeral. By contrast, when her father died a few years earlier, his obituary was already done—he had written it himself. Given how much easier that made life for her, deLarios said, “Now I tell people: you need to write your obit.” 

A growing number of people are doing just that: they’re crafting their own obituaries as a gift to their families and as a way of having the last say in summing up their lives. Some write them when death is imminent; others prepare them as an exercise in contemplating mortality. 

Whatever the motivation, writing your own obituary ensures the facts are correct, relieves your family of one of the more difficult tasks of the funeral arrangements and allows you to communicate key wishes, such as where friends and family should direct memorial donations.

Self-obits are part of a broader phenomenon: growing cultural acceptance of talking about death. The same “death positive” movement that has led people to gather in Death Cafes to talk about passing, or to read bestselling books like Atul Gawande’s Being Mortal (2015), is also encouraging people to prepare the last word on their own lives. 

While USA Today dubbed them “selfie obits,” self-obits are much more than narcissistic exercises, according to Frank Joseph, a rabbi serving four congregations in Texas. “A prewritten obit relieves a lot of stress for the family during a stressful time. And it ensures that the loved one is being remembered exactly for what they wanted to be remembered for.”

Having the Last Say

When journalist Ken Fuson passed away in early 2020, friends alerted his family that he’d likely written his own obituary. Fuson taught writing classes; his first assignment to students was to write their own obituaries. 

After cracking the passcode on Fuson’s computer, family members did indeed find an obituary written in Fuson’s distinctive, funny voice. The obit ticked off his many journalism awards, followed by a humorous crack: “No, he didn’t win a Pulitzer Prize, but he’s dead now, so get off his back.” Fuson’s son, Jesse, posted the obituary on Facebook—it was long and too costly to print in the Des Moines Register, where Fuson worked for years. The obit went viral. Major news outlets picked up the story. 

Don’t store your obit in a password-protected computer or a safe deposit box. 

“It was really awesome to read someone’s own thoughts on their life after they had died,” Jesse Fuson said. “You could see the humor shine through. It was just a great thing to be left with, not to mention the partial fame it created, which was hilarious in its own way. Dad would be rolling in his urn if he had known his obit was on Fox News.” 

Fuson’s story offers an important caveat: if you write your own obit, you must tell your family or friends that you did so and tell them how to access it. Don’t store it on a password-protected computer (unless you share that password) or in a safe deposit box, which may be sealed temporarily after death.

“Make sure you’ve told all of your children or other next of kin that you’ve done this,” advised Keely Gilham, a funeral director in Arlington, TX. “Make each of them a folder with all of your final wishes, including copies of the obit as well as other important docs, such as your will, preplanned funeral arrangements or life insurance policy.”

A Chance to Review

Fifteen years ago, Cindy Kyle sat down with a glass of wine and spent an evening completing an online form with her final wishes, including a section for her obituary. Although she was in her 40s at the time and in good health, it felt natural for a “dreadfully organized person” who keeps her affairs in order. She listed her family members and details of her schooling, work history, special interests and hobbies, and added words of gratitude for important people in her life.

Instead of being upsetting, she said, “I had a blast. It was a way of summarizing the joys and accomplishments of my life, to think about what’s important and what I want people to know about me.” 

Resources abound to help self-obit writers get started. ObitKit: A Guide to Celebrating Your Life (2009) by Susan Soper is a workbook for recording important facts and life events as well as end-of-life wishes. Legacy.com, an online publisher of obits, offers an extensive archive of articles on crafting an obituary, as well as a compilation of examples of auto-obits. Websites for end-of-life planning, such as Everplans.com, provide places to upload and store an obit (along with other key documents) as well as checklists of information to consider for inclusion. 

Most obituaries typically include basic information such as the deceased’s surviving family members, religious and organizational affiliations, career and other accomplishments, as well as details on the funeral. Checklists, templates and step-by-step guides abound online. But keep in mind that there’s nothing that dictates what a self-obit writer must include. (Consider the humorous, two-word self-obit of 85-year-old Douglas Legler: “Doug Died.”)

It’s not a resume. It’s a representation of how you lived.

— Alan Gelb

Writing your obituary can serve as a memento mori—practice for confronting your mortality and taking stock. For some, it spurs positive life corrections, said Joseph, the rabbi. He cited the example of Alfred Nobel, the inventor of dynamite. After reading his own obituary (published in error), which called him a “merchant of death,” Nobel bequeathed his fortune to institute the Nobel Prize. As he hoped, he’s now remembered for the Nobel Peace Prize, rather than for his invention. 

A life-review writing exercise benefits people at any age, said Alan Gelb, author of Having the Last Say, Capturing Your Legacy in One Small Story (2015.) After observing how high school students benefited from writing college application essays, he created prompts for similar writing exercises for older people, which he dubbed “Last Says.” 

To maximize readership and create an interesting tale, Gelb encourages writers of self-obits to look for a narrative arc and to lead off with a statement that captures their essence. 

“Don’t try to tell your entire life story or get hung up on having to cover everything,” he said. “It’s not a resume. It’s a representation of how you lived.” 

An obituary can be funny or serious, short or long, factual or more contemplative. Joan Calhoun’s in-laws wrote their own obits, which were published when they passed away just seven days apart. Her mother-in-law’s obit was short and sweet; her father-in-law’s was lengthy and full of details. Each reflected their respective personalities. 

“That was them,” Calhoun said. “That’s how they were. She was quiet; he was a storyteller who never met a stranger. I just think that [writing one’s obit] is a wonderful thing to do.”

Considering the Cost

In her self-written obituary, comic writer Jane Lotter quipped, “I’d tell a few jokes, but they charge for these listings by the column inch.” Generally, prewritten obituaries won’t save families money. For one thing, many funeral homes will prepare a basic obit (based on information the family provides) as part of the overall cost of the funeral package; others may charge a nominal fee. 

The biggest cost is publishing the obit, and often there’s sticker shock. Newspapers typically charge per word or per line; a short obituary can easily run $200-$600 in a major market paper, whereas a long one can cost upward of $1,000. A photo adds to the cost. 

Note that newspaper editors distinguish obituaries written by a reporter (typically for locally prominent people) from the paid write-ups provided by the deceased’s family or a funeral home. While newspapers publish reporter-written obituaries at no charge, families usually have no control over what’s included in the final story.  

Some newspapers and funeral homes post obituaries online for a nominal fee ($50-$100) regardless of length. If budgets are limited, Gilham advises families to publish a brief obit in the newspaper’s print edition, with basic facts and funeral arrangements, and a longer version online. Bottom line: keep in mind that a long obit could be costly. 

Taking Control

Toward the end of his life, Reid Coleman worried that family conflict would arise over the planning of his funeral and obituary, given one relative’s tendency toward intrusiveness. To pre-empt that, he wrote his own obituary and planned his funeral in detail. It worked—his wife, Kate Coleman, was able to execute his wishes and fend off potential meddling. 

However, Coleman trusted his wife to see things through on his behalf. If you don’t have a reliable next of kin who will follow your wishes, you should enlist legal advice if it’s imperative to have your self-obit published as is. Laws vary by state; in some states it may be possible to appoint an agent to handle funeral and burial details, including the obituary. 

Don’t include your obituary in your will, because it may not be discovered until it’s too late. Funerals (and the publication of an obituary) generally take place immediately after death and before an executor takes control of the deceased’s estate. 

But keep in mind that total control isn’t always a positive. Because most people don’t always see themselves as fully as others do, a self-written obit may be limited. 

That’s one slight regret that Kate Coleman has about her husband’s self-obit: he didn’t brag about himself enough. He didn’t share how he devoted the latter half of his career to reducing medical errors. The obit chronicled his career but failed to mention that he developed a hospital bracelet that uses scannable codes to prevent mistakes. 

“He was a ‘just the facts’ guy and the obit reflected that,” she said. “But I got cards from his colleagues talking about his accomplishments and how meaningful they were.” 

Looking back, deLarios often thinks of things she wishes she’d included in her mother’s obituary but overlooked due to lack of time. But she’s certain her father’s obit included everything important to him, including details about his military service and his involvement in the Masons. 

“That floored me,” she said. “I would’ve never thought of putting that in his obit. Reading his words after he was gone, and seeing what he considered was important, was very profound.”